Still in recovery mode after The Princess Ball. Trying to take it all in. Trying to decide how to improve what needed improving. How to resolve what went wrong. All in all it was a great success… my kids are still talking about it – so I can only assume that everyone else’s kids are still talking about it. That’s what makes me happy – while we suffered some growing pains they were really only things seen through the eyes of an adult… all the kids saw was Cinderella dancing with them, taking the time to talk to them, to make them feel special. And, if you were one of the lucky “Pay It Forward” gals… you became a “Real” Princess on this day (at least that’s what my oldest is telling everyone ;)) I should be joyful, I should be so happy – but I’m not. I have been doing a ton of self-analysis the last couple of days (dangerous, I know, but necessary) and I have come to a painful conclusion about my sadness and the reason for it.
My daughter still has Cystic Fibrosis. Period.
I do pray everyday that one day this will not be so – but the reality is after all the dancing, and glitter, and sugar rush… we still live in this reality and I think some naive little part of my soul really believes that one day someone is going to walk into the ballroom and announce “that’s it, that was the last $5,000.00 we needed to find a cure” and she will be cured and that will be that. (p.s. – this isn’t a far-fetched dream; click here to learn about medical advances being made)
This is the truth…. this is hard on me and my family, this fundraising… I don’t know any other way but to put all of my heart and soul into it … and that leaves you open to criticism of your heart and your soul and that is my greatest fear. Having someone look at me and see all of my shortcomings that I see from time to time – the broken, the disorganized, the acts without thinking… and when I let myself get this very vulnerable it’s hard to find yourself laying on the ground feeling like you have taken some kicks to your guts. Part of me wants to give up… to retreat.. to surrender… and then I remember I felt this last year and still survived. In fact, this felt WAY worse last year because I hadn’t learned how to take care of my heart yet. I hadn’t learned that it’s okay if every single person isn’t thrilled with their experience. I hadn’t learned to say “I’m feeling a little vulnerable so I’m just going to drink tea, and do yoga and snuggle and watch a movie today”…
So, while I suppose some of you were hoping for a grand “Woopee, this was AWESOME!!!” it was – it really, truly was… I guess I just want everyone to know that the people behind these charitable events that you go to are real and they are fighting and they are praying. They might now be fighting for someone else’s cure – for them it is too late – someone they have love has lost their battle. They might be fighting a small fight – for something simple like – I don’t know – sending someone to camp. But THEY are FIGHTING…. That’s what I want the Pay It Forward Princess to be about… I would love for everyone to wake up tomorrow and decide that they would like Cystic Fibrosis to be their passion and their fight … but more importantly I just want everyone to find a passion and a fight. Every little drop of water will eventually create something as huge as an ocean… so it does make a difference and when someone hands me even $5.00 to put towards research for a cure – who knows it COULD very well be the last drop we need.