I know I have been quiet over here lately…I have admittedly been VERY busy over here not much to say about this part of my journey I guess… until today. I am on the homestretch of our second annual Princess Ball for Cystic Fibrosis Canada and things are going great – better than great – but busy… The thing for me about event planning and fundraising is how very much heart I put into all of this — how inspired I become to follow my heart blissfully and fearlessly — the tricky part is how much ego starts to fuel your efforts and as soon as I get there I become VERY insecure and poor at decision making and just question every little turn. I am sure my husband will tell you that this makes for a delightful woman to live with 😉
So yesterday, I took a moment to get back to my center and get my two feet back on the ground and hit my mat in an organized class (not just the regular stuff I do at home). It was a new teacher and a series that I have never done which was wonderful… I had no time to get in my head .. just breathe, move, hold release, breathe, move, hold, release, … Then toward the end we were doing some core work and I had to give up and take a breather. For the first time EVER in Yoga I started berating myself for “giving up” and this sent a flood of memory and regret about being hard on myself for not being as physically strong as I would like… and then I started berating myself for bringing this amount of Ego to my mat… immediately after this core work we sealed our practice with Shavasana and this is when the bawling started..
For so long – especially for the last 18 months or so I have HATED my ego, literally loathed it , I viewed it as this part of myself that made me insecure and over-confident all at the same time. I despised it for not letting how I felt about myself be enough – literally wished it dead for wanting other people’s approval. But today? Today my ego showed up – it was where I had left it a year ago – cowering in a corner and today she was just a little girl… just a kid. And she was sorry, so sorry for being;
She came to me and wrapped her arms around my waist and said “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know – I didn’t want to make you mad, I just want you to love me…” And I squeezed her tight and I forgave her and I begged HER to FORGIVE me… It was suddenly so crystal clear that, for me, ego is childlike and that’s why we must keep it in check.. children need us to keep them in check.. to guide them to steer them to help them become wonderful adults and no one can do that for ourselves but, well, ourselves…If we don’t we stay all locked up with our insecure egos… I did a little research about this – and there was ALOT of stuff out there about inner child and ego not being the same and inner child and ego totally being the same. What I know for sure is that yesterday, once again, reality shifted for me and inner child and ego are one in the same … I thought I was supposed to rid myself of Ego… but now I know I have to take care of it.. it’s a part of me… and it’s a part of me that really needs me 🙂