Reality

angel wingsHeavy, heavy, heart today. I live in a land of hope and faith and positive thinking – but sometimes we all get bitch slapped with a good healthy does of reality. Facing reality and letting it hurt and sink in a little is not letting negativity win – it’s just about getting some shit out of your system so that you can muster up the strength to go back to living in hope and faith.
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Reality? A little boy (9 years old) died from Cystic Fibrosis this weekend. A little boy that I will never know – left a broken-shattered mama behind to find a way to come to the terms with the fact that she will never hold her baby again, has to somehow live with the memories of watching her baby take his last breaths, who has to wake up today and remind herself that he is gone…

I’m hurting today. Hurting because I’m sure that at some point this mama thought that surely God or whoever is out there calling the shots would never take away her vibrant, funny, clever, little boy. I’m scared today. Scared because we aren’t any different than that family – we are not immune to the realities of life and while there were times in the early days of coming to terms with Rowan’s diagnosis that I thought about her dying alot – I don’t anymore – but today I do – of course I do -anyone would. My child has the same disease that took the life of this child…

Something is different though – and it’s something that lifts my spirits. In the early days I would have been hard on myself about this, I would have chastized myself for thinking these dark thoughts or letting this reality make me cry OR I would have stuffed the pain down into this big bucket of denial that I kept buried deep in my guts and would have found 10 billion things that just had to be done, thereby distracting myself from the hurt and fear that I was feeling.

Not now. Not today. Today I am being gentle with myself, I’m writing it out, I’m crying it out. I’m holding my vibrant, funny, clever, blue-eyed baby girl a little closer. I’m leaving the laundry on the floor and the dishes in the dishwasher and I’m snuggling to my hearts content. I’m saying lots of prayers to God or whomever calls the shots to please give that mama some strength, please let everyone around her say all the right things, please give her whatever she needs to help her broken heart… Please give this little boy the biggest most spectacular, healthy lungs and let him breathe deeper than he ever has so that the angel wings he has more than earned can help him fly to places his poor little body just couldn’t.

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6 thoughts on “Reality

  1. So, so many across the cf community have been rocked by the death of this child. It breaks our hearts and leaves us aching and scared. Your post was so well stated. Thank you.

  2. Hugs to YOU momma…tough time for sure, I’m sending all my love to that family as well. Can’t even begin, or allow, myself to imagine how that loss would feel.

  3. You have a strength and perception that amazes me. I also realize with this that we should all love deep and be rocked to the core by these stories of sadness, because life is not ever a guarantee. You have this horrible situation that you must face every single day, and I think those who do not often take it for granted. Love and prayers to that family and the many others for their tragic loss. And a lesson to anyone who thinks loss couldn’t happen to them… it can. And it does. Every day. Show the ones you love how much you do, and leave no room for regrets. ❤

    • amen! I have said many times that a silver lining to our reality is the fact that we live with a little more urgency and attention to savouring every moment! No room for regrets is right!

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