The Drive Home

I actually wrote this little ditty a couple of weeks ago while driving home from the Alberta Children’s Hospital after my 3 year old daughter’s first surgery related to Cystic Fibrosis.  I cry every time I drive home from that place… sometimes they are gentle tears of reflection or forgiveness… this time they were heavy tears of sadness…

For once my husband is able to travel with us and I cannot express how much stress that has taken off of me… I need to get better at accepting help from everyone who has offered in the past.

So because I am not driving I get to think a little more and cry a little harder…

Right now, right this second – I am feeling a little sorry for myself and my husband and for Rowan and her sister… this sucks, there is no other way around it. I get that we are lucky – even on the scale of CF that this is Rowan’s first major procedure. I know there are children that fight for every breath, every pound they gain.  I know that there are young adults waiting for someone to die so they can have new lungs… I suppose it’s human nature to weigh whether or not one’s grief is warranted or maybe I worry that bitching too much will alert some divine being to stop being so generous to us…

But the long drive home after the long day at the hospital always makes my heart hurt, always makes me so desperate that this wasn’t so, so much that I want to crawl out of my own skin and walk away, so mind achingly sad.. will this get easier? Do I want this to get easier? What does easier mean? It means that we have had so many days like this one that we are “used” to it…. sigh, sigh, sigh, breathe, breathe, breathe, relax – STOP!

Stop worrying about the future so much.. that’s it, that’s the place I need to be… being sad RIGHT NOW without adding future concern for sadness makes it much more tolerable, much less terrifying.  I (and I suspect many of you also) must stop doing that; living in EVERY MOMENT is so important whether it’s happy or sad or angry or out of this world blissful ’cause life constantly shifts and changes … that’s the only thing we are guaranteed this moment and the fact that it isn’t going to last…

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6 thoughts on “The Drive Home

  1. Kelly my friend, I love you!! Your posts always humble me, fill me with gratitude for being able to be your friend and be uplifted by your posts. You are truly and Arnold!!! Your transparency, courage, authenticity and strength are so enlightening. I hope you can feel the love and support that is offered to you here by all of us. And I am hopeful that you will allow more people to give you help and support as you walk this journey. Perhaps that is one of the hidden blessings in all this, to help you accept assistance and support. Namaste

  2. Your posts always make me reflect on a certain area of life, what a gift. Your comment about living in every moment is so true. So many people miss moments …. that was one reason I created my 2012 daily mantra “Making Moments Matter”… it keeps me present to every moment and how I show up. Thank you for all you share with us. Your courage and reflection is helping others
    Charmaine

  3. Expressing authentic emotions in every moment is soooo key!! I LOVE how openly and authentically you share your often painful journey with us. It helps to know we are not alone. Thank you!
    Jeri

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