I have a confession to make – it’s about something I live with nearly everyday – I try to get away from it with meditation and self-love and positive thinking but it finds me – now it finds me when I least expect it and smacks me down so hard I wonder if this is the time I won’t get back up. The truth is, I live with an abusive asshole, in my head.
When I say asshole, I mean asshole… last week it struck when I was so nervous about Rowan’s surgery; it teased me about being such a wimp, it taunted me with accusations of weakness, it berated me for the grey hair I haven’t had time to cover, and knocked the crap out of me with taunts of my fatness. I mean really, once this asshole gets going it’s like a steamroll of insult after insult where eventually you will find me curled into a tiny ball (well not really tiny, don’t forget the fatness) curled into a fat ball in my laundry room literally wailing with the anguish of what a depressing individual I am.
The truth is I have defined this asshole as my ego in the past… but I think it’s bigger than that. The brilliant Jennifer Boykin calls it her “Itty Bitty Shitty Committee” It’s a collective voice of every real person that has ever made me feel insecure, or weak, or less than… and the funny thing is the “jealousy” truth still holds water here… this voice in my head that literally at times feels like another being breaking me down… is jealous and so certain I don’t need it anymore (which obviously I don’t) – so it finds manipulative little ways to seep into the cracks of my awesomeness and start hacking away at all the hard work I have done trying to live authentically. It’s like that idiot you dated in high school that would tear you down if you got too much attention for any accomplishment (and by “you” I mean “me”).
I sort of just numbly staggered away from this most recent abusive rant and didn’t give it much thought… I was experimenting with “maybe if I ignore it, it will go away”…but yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends – she and I are kindred spirits, we were sisters in another lifetime – and our lives have such bizarre parallels it’s like this amazing gift that we get to watch ourselves as an outsider. Anyway, she was carrying on about some insecurities she has and I just blurted “you know you have choice about whether to listen to that voice”.
Who just said that?
That voice in your head, or asshole, or shitty committee; is still an extension of yourself that you have control over…. Maybe not at the outset.. maybe those initial jabs are a result of some chemical/hormonal reaction in your brain… but after 2 or 3 stabs of cruelty you do have a choice to stop listening. Or, you can even sit down with the asshole and explain that you simply aren’t going to engage with them anymore… let them know that you and your spectacular big dreaming self just will not tolerate this type of behaviour anymore.
So, that’s my plan… I’m not going to listen anymore. Why would I? Sure, I have my flaws… but why do I insist on making apology for them? Why do I insist on reminding myself of them… I don’t do that with others I love… like, “wow, one of my best friend is so thoughtful and amazing, too bad her teeth aren’t straight”…
I implore you – the next time that voice in your head tries to make you feel less than… walk away.. rise above it.. .get on with your big beautiful dreams and your big beautiful life. That’s what I intend to do!