Finding Peace

Surprise, surprise – a post that starts with me saying;

Crying, crying, crying…

but it’s a different cry from the last 3 years… it’s like a cleanse…  I just sent a message to a friend who while we don’t see each other often – whenever I saw her over the last 3 years I would always cry on her shoulder a little and she would never judge, she would never push me away, she listened – sometimes she would weigh in a little more than I would have liked but that’s okay – our support systems are never perfect and sometimes we have to make them be what we need them to be… I just wish I could have told everyone what I needed but the truth is I had no idea.

I know in the past I have written that trauma is trauma and pain is pain…. but there is one difference here that I don’t want to imply is better or worse – just different – and it’s a tricky issue to deal with.  The trauma of having a child diagnosed with a life threatening condition with no cure or effective control is that the trauma never ends…. there are more traumatic moments than others… but it never goes away – the shock of learning of her diagnosis goes away – but Cystic Fibrosis doesn’t.  Sometimes I think people forget that – and for them the “traumatic event” was 3 years ago and it’s time for Kelly to quit her bitching!  However, again, we still live with Cystic Fibrosis everyday and no matter how much I cry, or scream in anger, or hold it all in, or write, or advocate, or educate, or grieve … Rowan still has Cystic Fibrosis and right now I am working on finding a safe little place in my heart and my head to put this information.

That’s what this summer is all about… finding the little band-aids that I need to stop slogging around the baggage of a broken heart – ’cause there is so much more richness to our lives than the devastation that Cystic Fibrosis is and I’m tired of it tainting too much of my soul and I don’t want it to seep into the cracks and start defining who I am or who we are as a family.  Cystic Fibrosis will always be a part of our lives but I feel a tremendous responsibility to show Rowan that while her health is a significant part of her life – Cystic Fibrosis WILL NOT define her.

And it’s working – this plan of mine.  Everyday, my heart and my soul feel stronger…. and peace… more than finding fearless… I am finding peace.

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18 thoughts on “Finding Peace

  1. I wish I could send you a hug from my heart to yours . . . Our daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when she was 12 – and while it does not even begin to compare with the realities a family faces with CF, I do understand the process of coming to terms with a child living with a chronic illness that we are effectively unable to influence in any way. Some days are heart breaking – others are optimistic. I try to shoot for optimistic most of the time, but as you well know, some days are better than others.

    Keep up the wonderful work you do for your daughter – I’m sure it means the world to her 🙂

    • Awww, Cheryl, you just did send me a hug! Yep, some days are better than others and I daresay, MOST days are better than others these days. It’s tough having to worry about our kids on a level that goes beyond the norm…. Hope your daughter is in good health!

  2. Wow, Cheryl, this i a powerful blog. Your comments that CF does not define Rowan is such an incredibly important message. That statement will inspire many! thank you for what you do to make our world a more understanding, compassionate world to live in.
    Charmaine Hammond

  3. Beautifully written and touching. I think many, many of us are going through a “cleanse” right now, myself included! Releasing all our old baggage and everything that is standing in the way of our expression of our authentic selves. Sending you and Rowan many blessings and much love and healing energy!! Thank you for sharing so authentically, some of your beautiful journey with us.

    Namaste,
    Jeri

    • I hope you can appreciate how much your comment about authenticity means to me… that’s the dream I’m trying to live baby, lol!! Yes, totally agree about 2012 being the “Year Of The Cleanse”… so many important women in my life are jumping off this “do it all” rollercoaster and re-focusing and re-prioritzing! Namaste to you too!

  4. Kelly Rowan is a beautiful little girl who has brought you a gift. SHe has brought the gift of something you are passionate about. CF is something that others need education on and you are doing your part in that.
    You are a beautiful woman who gives her all to her daughters and this cause.
    It does not define you is so true.

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  5. Love you Kelly! So proud of you and the choices you make every day! Your writing is so deep and to the heart, you are making such a difference in all our lives and Rowan is growing up to be one strong girl just like her momma!

  6. You always touch my heart. You are using what life has “thrown” at you as an opportunity to be your best self. Being conscious of all the things YOU are consious of…on the inside…will only make you stronger. We all know if Mama ain’t happy…ain’t nobody happy! Keeping cleansing the soul and sharing. I LOVE IT!

  7. Kelly, this is such a beautiful piece of writing…please try not to be so devastated over a diagnosis of life with CF. a positive mind, body and spirit can overcome almost anything.
    I was diagnosed with CF 24 years ago. I was told I had three years to live. I am now 36 years old, with a beautiful 18 month old son, and around an hour a day is taken up by treatments.
    I believe my belief in my own body and it’s capabilities is what has always helped me to survive. It certainly hasn’t always been attributed to my lifestyle choices! Do I wish I didn’t have CF? Yes. Do I wish I could chase my son around without having to stop for a “break”? Yes. But my reality is a lot better than the one guessed by my doctors so long ago.

    Positive thinking makes a world of difference.
    All this said though, I’m sure I’d feel differently if I had to watch my beautiful little boy go though what I have. Children really do change your world, don’t they.

    Best of love to you and your family x
    MJ

    • Everyday my perspective shifts and changes… I am in a much better place than I was even 6 months ago… you’re right, it’s different when it’s your little one! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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