Surprise, surprise – a post that starts with me saying;
Crying, crying, crying…
but it’s a different cry from the last 3 years… it’s like a cleanse… I just sent a message to a friend who while we don’t see each other often – whenever I saw her over the last 3 years I would always cry on her shoulder a little and she would never judge, she would never push me away, she listened – sometimes she would weigh in a little more than I would have liked but that’s okay – our support systems are never perfect and sometimes we have to make them be what we need them to be… I just wish I could have told everyone what I needed but the truth is I had no idea.
I know in the past I have written that trauma is trauma and pain is pain…. but there is one difference here that I don’t want to imply is better or worse – just different – and it’s a tricky issue to deal with. The trauma of having a child diagnosed with a life threatening condition with no cure or effective control is that the trauma never ends…. there are more traumatic moments than others… but it never goes away – the shock of learning of her diagnosis goes away – but Cystic Fibrosis doesn’t. Sometimes I think people forget that – and for them the “traumatic event” was 3 years ago and it’s time for Kelly to quit her bitching! However, again, we still live with Cystic Fibrosis everyday and no matter how much I cry, or scream in anger, or hold it all in, or write, or advocate, or educate, or grieve … Rowan still has Cystic Fibrosis and right now I am working on finding a safe little place in my heart and my head to put this information.
That’s what this summer is all about… finding the little band-aids that I need to stop slogging around the baggage of a broken heart – ’cause there is so much more richness to our lives than the devastation that Cystic Fibrosis is and I’m tired of it tainting too much of my soul and I don’t want it to seep into the cracks and start defining who I am or who we are as a family. Cystic Fibrosis will always be a part of our lives but I feel a tremendous responsibility to show Rowan that while her health is a significant part of her life – Cystic Fibrosis WILL NOT define her.
And it’s working – this plan of mine. Everyday, my heart and my soul feel stronger…. and peace… more than finding fearless… I am finding peace.