I have been having some tough days lately – I’m not going to lie. What I am realizing about being a part of Cystic Fibrosis Canada and fundraising is that I get very, very, deep into it – of course I do – it’s for my little girl. However, I get so into it that I forget to guard my heart. I pin it oh so bravely on my sleeve and plow into the world and don’t think about that poor heart until the dust settles.
When the dust settles, I finally take stock and there’s my heart – kind of stunned – kind of quivering in shock – very bruised… I need to find away to lead with my heart but not let it get the shit kicked out of it!
The tricky part about learning to live an authentic life is striking the balance. I love to get out there and plow ahead but I can’t do it and sacrifice my heart again and again – I’ll be able to nurse it back to health this time but even now it’s reluctant – it’s scared – it doesn’t trust me.
So I’ve been thinking about retreating and turning inward – almost regretting how exposed I let myself become – wanting to take it all back and hide in my life. At the end of the day I realize that vulnerability – that learning the difference between authenticity and over-exposure – is a pretty huge lesson.
The other huge lesson? All this that I am feeling – this vulnerability this regret – it’s just FEAR wrapped in another package manipulating me to not take chances, to not follow inspiration. FEAR and my EGO have parked themselves in the middle of my brain and planted some seeds of self-doubt – and I’m not gonna lie – I’ve been watering those seeds with pity and anxiety.
FEAR and EGO have looked at each other and are thinking “oh shit, she’s on to us” and I feel them slinking back to where they came from.
I’ll figure this out – this balance – today I am just grateful that I am learning to recognize what I am feeling and what I am doing to sabotage myself before it spirals into a whole display of despair and self-deprecation.
Learning to be authentic – to slough off the “people pleasing” suit takes courage – but less energy. Beating yourself up, questioning every decision, every path, worrying about the future, that takes more energy than I care to admit I have wasted…..
Finding your own truth starts to re-arrange your life, your relationships, your priorities and when it really starts to shift it gets scary, it starts to feel too different – it starts to feel too risky – stop – take a deep breath and recognize this – you don’t need to plow through it – FEAR gets scared simply by the spotlight shining on it… it’ll go…. let it…