Heart On My Sleeve

I have been having some tough days lately – I’m not going to lie.  What I am realizing about being a part of Cystic Fibrosis Canada and fundraising is that I get very, very, deep into it – of course I do – it’s for my little girl.  However, I get so into it that I forget to guard my heart.  I pin it oh so bravely on my sleeve and plow into the world and don’t think about that poor heart until the dust settles. 

 When the dust settles, I finally take stock and there’s my heart – kind of stunned – kind of quivering in shock – very bruised… I need to find away to lead with my heart but not let it get the shit kicked out of it!

 The tricky part about learning to live an authentic life is striking the balance.  I love to get out there and plow ahead but I can’t do it and sacrifice my heart again and again – I’ll be able to nurse it back to health this time but even now it’s reluctant – it’s scared – it doesn’t trust me.

 So I’ve been thinking about retreating and turning inward – almost regretting how exposed I let myself become – wanting to take it all back and hide in my life.  At the end of the day I realize that vulnerability – that learning the difference between authenticity and over-exposure – is a pretty huge lesson. 

 The other huge lesson? All this that I am feeling – this vulnerability this regret – it’s just FEAR wrapped in another package manipulating me to not take chances, to not follow inspiration.  FEAR and my EGO have parked themselves in the middle of my brain and planted some seeds of self-doubt – and I’m not gonna lie – I’ve been watering those seeds with pity and anxiety.

 FEAR and EGO have looked at each other and are thinking “oh shit, she’s on to us” and I feel them slinking back to where they came from.

I’ll figure this out – this balance – today I am just grateful that I am learning to recognize what I am feeling and what I am doing to sabotage myself before it spirals into a whole display of despair and self-deprecation.

 Learning to be authentic – to slough off the “people pleasing” suit takes courage – but less energy.  Beating yourself up, questioning every decision, every path, worrying about the future, that takes more energy than I care to admit I have wasted…..

 Finding your own truth starts to re-arrange your life, your relationships, your priorities and when it really starts to shift it gets scary, it starts to feel too different – it starts to feel too risky – stop – take a deep breath and recognize this – you don’t need to plow through it – FEAR gets scared simply by the spotlight shining on it… it’ll go…. let it…

12 thoughts on “Heart On My Sleeve

  1. Being Vulnerable doesn’t mean a wide open walk all over me book. You are doing amazing things Kelly. It is easy to see your passion. Those who attempt to hurt you or drain you will never win in the end. Every day is a new day and a new fiber of strength. The shifyt is scary but rewarding. Keep going!

    • I’m so excited that I didn’t fall too far backwards to feel like I was starting all over again. Life is always going to hand you situations that you need to re-group from and I am so grateful that I am giving myself permission to do that!! Thanks for your comment.

  2. Ah! Poignant point about being authentically out there but not over-exposed. It’s so tricky to be a heart-leader but not feel raw and exposed. Keep trying! You’ll find a way and teach others how in the process. I see you have more gifts to share than to the CF community. All mamas can learn this from you.

    • what a lovely compliment! I know I’ll get there… I think it’s even just a case of getting “used” to it…. when you protect your heart for so long it’s tricky to put it “out there”…

  3. I don’t know you well enough to know what goes on in your day to day life but I do want you to know that I find you have such a positive energy filled with love and I can feel that when I am in your presence. Whether you wear your heart on your sleeve or keep it slightly guarded, your kindness will bring you genuine love in your life.

  4. Love the post…as for the comments that follow…AGREE AGREE AGREE. You really bring out my own soul searching when I read your posts. It makes me reflect and recognize my own feelings. Some people just have “take advantage of my awesomeness” written across their foreheads. You are one of them. But you know it, recognize it and soon you WILL BE FREE!! Love ya girl and all of your positive aura…….

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