“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.”
– Morris West
Right after Rowan was born (my second baby) I will never forget how wonderful that time was. It was so glorious to feel so confident about how to handle a little baby, how to treat myself, how to ask others for help, how much more tender and gentle and HAPPY my husband and I were. We knew this unspeakable exhaustion would end and we knew how fleeting this time with this tiny little creature was. Time with a newborn is hazy and romantic… if you let it be.
I remember thinking many, many, times that this was one of the HAPPIEST times of my life… that I hadn’t felt this HAPPY in a long, long, time.
In the span of a month my husband had lost his job and our tiny little baby was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis…. It kind of killed my HAPPY.
Ever since I decided to make lemons from lemonade and particularly since I quit/got fired from my job – serendipity has been showing itself in my life nearly everyday. Some things are just tiny little hints… other things are pretty significant and wonderful. Most of the time I live in these moments… but fear, damn that fear… is nipping at my heels.
The truth is I am close to being that gloriously, romantically happy that I was during the first 2 weeks of Rowan’s life…. and some days that scares the shit out of me… I’m terrified to be that happy again.. because it hurts so damn bad to fall that far… and some silly little piece of my heart seems to think if I don’t get that happy again that I’m protecting some fragile, soft, spot of my soul.
And I realize one of the reasons that I was so HAPPY during those 2 weeks is because I was IN THE MOMENT… I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting to know this new little soul who had come into my life; I wasn’t thinking about anything but watching her big sister so deeply and tenderly fall in love with her baby sister; I wasn’t thinking about anything except how thoughtful and giving my husband was being…
It’s time to live there again – in the MOMENT – the truth is denying ourselves HAPPY doesn’t protect us from HURT. If something bad happens to us (which obviously it will) I will never say “well, thank god I didn’t get too happy…
We have been watching Finding Nemo a lot lately and all of this reminds me of the conversation between Marlin and Dory… where he says ” I promised I’d never let anything happen to him. ” and Dory says “ Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.” Ha, ha, you know you live with Toddlers when your daily inspiration comes from a Disney movie!
So, back to practicing what I preach and living in gratitude and the moment and in the HAPPY!