This week during yoga I have been thinking a lot about the future – and dreaming about the future – and this makes me very excited. For a long time I have been too afraid to dream… I was too afraid to think about the future because looking to the future always left me wondering if Rowan would be in it and that hurt – that beyond hurt – that hurt like I couldn’t breathe hurt.
Now, one might think this resulted in some LIVING IN THE MOMENT mo-jo… but all it did was make me STUCK IN THE MOMENT, paralysed in the fear, I simply could not bear to think about the future at all.
I was starting to feel like I was constantly doing this dance for other people this “I’m okay” jive that only left me dizzy and confused. I was tap dancing so hard that once I stopped I didn’t even know what I felt anymore. I again, I was just so f**king angry!!! I was so tired of feeling misunderstood and afraid and alone… I felt so alone… I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to uncensored, uninhibited, I felt like every thing I felt or said or did was being criticized and then I realized to a certain degree that was me… that was all me … that was all me torturing myself… I wouldn’t be so hard on my very best friend as to negate what they were feeling… why did I do it to myself? And around and around and around I would go and rather than let myself FEEL what I needed to FEEL I just kept stuffing it down. Now, I see part of that was self-preservation – like if I had let it all hit me – I might have not been able to take it.
I had always been a dreamer – I loved to believe that anything was possible – and like I said, I didn’t dream about a happy future or possibilities for a couple of years. Yoga has opened my heart again, the flow of possibility is moving through my veins again…
Now – everyday – as I take at least 15 minutes to meditate and twist and bend – what keeps coming out are dreams, and expectations (good ones) and looking to the future without apprehension or gut-wrenching paralysing fear…. now as I dream about what comes next I can feel it like it has already happened and I will contentedly live in THIS MOMENT because I know whatever will come is what is supposed to come and that’s ALL I NEED TO KNOW!