Standing Up

Oh dear, sitting here thinking and thinking and thinking… and surprise, surprise, I am a-cryin’ again.  Today my tears are for the Mama I judged so harshly 2 1/2 years ago and that Mama was me. 

 The trouble with being an over-anaylyzer is that you…

 well…

over-analyze…

 and the worst analyzing is always performed on yourself.  While I was coming to terms with Rowan’s diagnosis, particularly in the early months, I was constantly weighing whether or not my reaction was proportional to the threat at hand – and the answer for me was always – yes.  However, my confidence in this realization would always come into question when others… particularly my friends and family would make me feel like I was over-reacting…

 I would just like to take a time-out to let you everyone who didn’t know me 2 1/2 years ago that while I talk about my “reaction” I imply that I just flipped my biscuit but the truth is – I dealt, and have dealt and continue to deal with Rowan’s diagnosis with, I think, a great deal of strength and resilience and positive energy.  The times I felt judged were more about the choices that we were making to feel like we were protecting Rowan the best we could… For example, I stopped going to my gym if my husband was away working and I couldn’t leave Rowan with him… I was not comfortable leaving Rowan in the childminding there for fear she would get sick… we also decided that I would work from home and keep Rowan out of a dayhome as much as we possibly could… you know, stuff like that – mostly just controlling her exposure as best we could and in reality in the ways that made us feel the most comfortable.

 

Now, as I start putting myself back together again I feel so bad for the woman that I didn’t stand up for.  I am a little disappointed that I didn’t question the people that made me feel like I was overreacting and ask them how they would react.  Some people that made me feel that way would literally keep me on the phone for hours discussing their child’s oh so life threatening diaper rash… ugh, that was mean, I’m sorry.  My point is – I tell my kids all the time that they need to stand up for people and here I am not even standing up for myself.

 

Now, that I am in a much better place my feelings don’t get hurt so easily.  I often take people’s sometimes insensitive comments and use it as an opportunity to educate – not always about CF – sometimes I take these comments as an opportunity to encourage people to not be so quick to judge.

 

At the end of the day I am making a quiet little promise to myself that I plan on taking a little better care of Kelly from now on ’cause she deserves it.

finding fearless

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5 thoughts on “Standing Up

  1. Nice One Kelly! I had to do a double take because you changed the layout, it looks good! I thought maybe my computer took me to someone else’s blog, ha ha. Have a wonderful day!

  2. I can’t think of anything harder than having your child in danger from anything! You are right to wonder what the people who thought you were over-reacting would have done.

    You sound like you’ve found incredible strength now. Isn’t it amazing how we humans pull through and learn something about ourselves when we face difficult situations!

  3. Learning to standing up for oneself is an amazing thing. You are an amazing mom and woman, Rowan and Reece are very, very lucky to have you. By the way I love your new look of your blog!

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