So, literally the day after I got fired/quit my job someone e-mailed me a horoscope for the month of February and it told me that everything that was happening was going to happen…. it even told me that if I wanted to gain clarity about what my next steps should be I needed to hit the mat and meditate.
I have always dreamed of being a meditator/yogi kind of spirit. Ever since I was about 6 and my friend’s mom had a book about yoga and we were copying the poses and admiring the pictures… something called to me… but once again, fear held me back. I mean, I was 6 so seeking out yoga opportunities in my small southern Alberta town probably was not feasible but even as I have grown into adulthood my yoga practice has always been in the privacy of my home, I was too scared to take a class or go to a group meditation – I was too afraid of doing it wrong.
Last week I finally did it – my dear friend is a yoga instructor and I just happened to be at the gym when she was teaching a class and I did it and all of the things that I imagined would happen to me – happened to me …I was moved beyond measure… I LOVE the mind/body connection… I LOVE the quiet strength… pushing your body PEACEFULLY and RESPECTFULLY…
Something happened during my second class yesterday that took me off guard though. We were practicing camel pose (I think that’s what it’s called… it’s a backbend where you are on your knees and leaning back on your heels) and the instructor said “this is a good heart opener” and my poor fractured little heart said
“no, I don’t want to, it’s too dangerous, I’m not ready”
and I started to cry. Holy shit, where did that come from? Fortunately, we moved into child’s pose and stayed there for awhile and I was able to talk to my heart… I was literally imagining my heart was little girl Kelly and I was coaxing her to jump off a diving board – she wouldn’t go.
I told her I understood, she has been through a lot, we’ll keep working on it and we’ll get there.
Once again, fear is a prevalent theme in my life – my entire life – my entire life I have had this little voice calling me to practice yoga and a long list of fears held me back but just 2 classes in I feel so strongly this is where I am supposed to be… this is where my HEART WILL HEAL, my poor neglected body will become STRONG again, my mind will be able to act PURPOSEFULLY and with CLARITY… I can feel it in my bones that this is really where I am going to “Find Fearless” once and for all!