What do I want? When I stand still long enough… I realize that I have been avoiding standing still… standing still makes me painfully aware of this ache, this deep knotted tension in my chest, that is, my broken heart. I’m not pissin’ and moanin’ here… I’m just mourning – I am mourning the loss of what I considered a “normal” life, I am mourning the loss of the ability to move through this world without having to deal with the painful realities of what we have to face.
All of this fundraising, all of these platitudes, I believed them – I believe them still. I wasn’t trying to blow smoke up anyone’s ass but my own. Our bad clinic day a couple of weeks ago hit an artery in my heart that got the blood flowing again – and my heart was stuck – it was so stuck in fear and despair and masquerading as “I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m strong, I’m fearless….” I believed it – maybe you believed it? This is my gift to myself though – now I’m going to give myself a break – now I’m going to let myself FEEL the sadness, the loss, the fear. Now I’m strong enough to face it – the last 2 1/2 years have earned me some pretty serious stripes of resilience – and I feel so CONFIDENT that it’s okay to fall to your knees every now and again and beg for mercy. You just have to LISTEN after the beggin’ – cause you’ll get the mercy – it just won’t be wrapped up in quite the package that you thought.
So now it’s time for me to stand still… to acknowledge this pain, this anguish. It’s time to acknowledge that I have only been breathing when I have to – when the lack of oxygen just builds up until my body forces me to breathe – I rarely breathe for pleasure – I rarely breathe to pause and reflect. I breathe to stay alive, to just get by. But not anymore. I KNOW that this is not my legacy this isn’t how I want my kids to think of me when they were little.
Some big decisions are getting made in my world right now and for the first time in a long time I am EXCITED – I am hitting the ground running – I am GOING SOMEWHERE amazing and COMING HOME all at the same time…. stay tuned – I think you might enjoy this ride 😉