One of those nights.  Rowan started another round of anti-biotics and she always sleeps poorly on the first night.. woke me up with a start at 2:30 and now an hour later I am still wide awake!  Leaves me already reflecting on The Resolution List and I feel REALLY good about it (I have put 2 hard days in already, lol!) but when you are laying awake…. mind racing…. those are the moments when I realize the forgiveness part is still a tricky one for me.

Forgiveness IS a tricky little bastard… Why, oh why is it so hard to do?  Especially once you have reached that place of truly letting go just one time – and know how amazing it feels… why, oh why is it so hard to get there again???? 

We’ve all heard it before – being angry or unforgiving toward someone is “like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die…”  When all you do is kill your spirit…. think of those nights when you lay awake – delivering in your head the  Oscar award winning speech to the person who has hurt you – what if you thought about something positive, or sent them love, or sent them light….

I’m close.. I’m almost there…. there isn’t much forgivin’ left to do.  The biggest obstacle that I face right now is forgiving myself.  Forgiving myself for my little eccentricities, giving myself a break when I feel like I don’t do enough or accomplish enough or contribute enough…. that’s my work in progress…

Right now I don`t have any answers, right now I`m just sharing – putting it out there – marinating on an idea that maybe Stuart Smiley was so, so, right, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it people like me”.

Of course, I’ll keep you posted on my progress….


2 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. I believe we are all on a pre-destined journey…called life. The journey includes hurt. The hurt may be deceipt, physical harm, abandonment, dishonesty etc. It happens when we are children, teenagers, adults, and mothers. Be thankful for the hurt you receive along your journey. The pain has helped to mould you into the beautiful person you are. The pain has given you tools to make better chocies in your life. Tools to be a better friend, wife and mother. If those that hurt us knew better, they surely would have done better. Their actions were part of their journey. Forgive those for the harm they have done, while thanking them for moulding you into the person you have become. The pain they caused you, gave you strength. In your mind, you must choose how you will use the strength. Forgiveness does not mean you have to forget. You most likely will never forget. However, when the gut wrenching hurt arises again – it is a reminder, an opportunity for gratitude.

    • Well said Mariann! I know all of that rationally and in the light of day… just everyone now and again at 3:00 in the morning it’s impossible for me to be a mature enlightened woman, lol!! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it!

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