Not So Angry Anymore!

Having a cry right now as I put up the Christmas stuff around the house…. I like to put up pictures from the previous years and just reflect on how much our family has changed.  There are no pictures from last year.  You see, last year, I was in the anger phase of the grieving process.  I was M – A – D…. MAAAD!!!  So mad that my poor little girl had to face this life, so mad for my other little girl who had to worry for her sister, furious at what this meant for our lives, how it was affecting our marriage…. we weren’t communicating very well at the time that’s for sure. I didn’t want to hear my husband when he was trying to tell me I was different – I didn’t have the words to tell him to be more gentle with me, that I was so, so, broken and fragile and scared and vulnerable and FURIOUS!    I was feeling hateful to all the people that made me feel misunderstood, or like I was over-reacting, who said thoughtless, careless things.  Over the top blind with RAGE – that we didn’t get to have the life we had always envisioned!!

I can barely even remember a year ago – in fact, when I look at pictures from Christmas 2009 my brain automatically thinks that’s from last year.  I know I cried a lot, I know I yelled a lot and how do you apologize to 2 little people that, thankfully, cannot understand what it’s like to be PARALYZED by fear. I thought about Rowan dying EVERY SINGLE DAY sometimes several times per day, I thought about watching her battle illness and seeing her struggle to breathe, looking at her attached to machines and feeding tubes.   I was like a wild animal backed into a corner fighting to get out.  I . know what it’s like to feel caged, like there is no escape…

The grieving process is a funny little beast… you never know when the next stage is going to hit and you rarely know which stage you are in when you are in it… this year I am VERY aware of just how pissed off I was last year and I do cut myself some slack… I had some serious shit on my plate… but that doesn’t alleviate the mommy guilt – not much usually does. 

If you’re going through a hard time, please, please, please, listen to your loved ones. Please don’t feel weak.  Please don’t judge yourself for having dark thoughts that you can’t escape…  we  all think them.

So, what have I decided to do with this nasty, yucky, shitty situation?  Where have I decided to wrap my paralyzing fear into a neat little ball?  I’m going to work this metaphorical ball of crap into something beautiful…. and giving and full of hope.  That’s why I fundraise.  That’s why I decide to do things like “Wish Upon A Star – Princess Ball” ’cause the big ball of crap gets molded into so much LOVE and HOPE that I need to find a place for it in my life.  I need to know that my little girl will not go through this for nothing.  That I (we… my wonderful husband does what he can despite his oilfield job and gives me ENDLESS support) have fought as hard as we can to find a cure.  That no other mama has to feel the pain of CF. Especially my own kids… I don’t want to worry about my grandbabies and CF. 

So, in summary, thank you to all of you that are hopping on the LOVE train. ANYTHING you do to help our cause…. any tiny morsel of SUPPORT or ENCOURAGEMENT or PRAYER… I am forever GRATEFUL and not so angry anymore!

Who we do this for! Rowan on her 2nd Birthday!


10 thoughts on “Not So Angry Anymore!

  1. We found out our daughter had CF around Christmastime of 2002. She was just 1 yrs old. I was mad as well but I also grieved like I had already lost her. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. It wasn’t until after quite a few visits to the CF clinic that I started to calm down. Then we had to test our first born son who was 3 at the time. I was expecting bad news because I was just so angry and thought we were the unluckiest people in the world. Fortunately it was good news, but then I felt even more guilty for my daughter. How was i ever going to deal with this! Now, as my daughter just celebrated her 10th birthday, I have no specific explanation for how we deal and get through it, it is just a combination of family, friends, doctors, nurses and your own strength and love for your children that get you through life. My daughter is the happiest person that anyone could ever know, and I learn from her everyday. She has to have therapy, takes many pills, and had to miss out on many things, but if she can still stay this happy, then I am going to enjoy every minute of it!! We are from a small town where there are no other kids with CF so it is nice to be able to hear other stories, and not feel so alone.

    • Thank you so much for sharing Michelle! These are the stories I want to hear! I totally agree, there is something special about little CFers… they have a contentment that so many of us lack – even at 2 years old Rowan inspires me with her personality!

  2. I seriously LOVE your honesty! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! My little fiBro is almost 8 and I STILL cycle through the grieving process… *it ain’t over til it’s over*. For a family fighting a chronic, yet terminal diagnosis that grieving gets stretched out and cycled through with every progression into the disease. I THANK GOD for the small stretches of “normalcy” that we get, even though they seem to last shorter and come fewer. My little guy’s not feeling good today, so sorry if this reply comes off as a downer. I like your writing and I’ll continue to peek in on your world here. 🙂

    Hunter’s Mom

    • What a beautiful comment to wake up to! I know we have a long road ahead of us – I am just so grateful to have some strength back. I didn’t think you came off as a downer AT ALL – just honest. I think that’s what sucks for us CF mamas or any other mama with a child that has any condition. Sometimes we are made to feel (or just make ourselves feel) that if we are honest about what these conditions mean for our lives we are “negative”. I finally concluded that the people that make us feel that way are just scared, so scared for you and your child… or they’re just assholes! LOL! Thank you for your compliments… I’m gonna take a peek at your world too!

  3. Hi! Krista sent me this link and I am so glad I found it! I am also a CF mommy to a little 2 year old boy. I went through ( and sometimes still do) the grieving process you write about. I do have a blog as well, just hoping to start updating more. Feel free to check it out if you want.

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