It’s been a rough start to the fall – we were all hit pretty hard with various and infections – which of course, always make me nervous for Rowan. On top of this, I am have been following a lot of my fellow CF Mamas agonies over whether or not to put their kids in certain activities, whether or not to homeschool their kids – some poor kids have already missed more than 1/2 of the school year and it’s only the end of October. It’s made me think a lot about our future and finding the balance between keeping Rowan healthy and letting Rowan be “normal”. It’s made me feel like my “days of control” are over. And I’m scared. I am so scared to do it… so scared to take that leap, to jump off the cliff and know that “what will be, will be”… so scared at how out of control it feels… how terrified I am at the realization that this is not going to get any easier. She will go off to school, she will want to sleep over at friends houses, she will want to experiment with drugs and alcohol, she will take health advice from a stupid boy “because she loves him” and I know that I HAVE to let go. For my own sanity, for my marriage, for my kids to lead normal happy lives. Sometimes this little cocoon feels so safe and it’s hard to ….
But who am I kidding? I have always lived a life paralyzed by fear. That’s why I never lived in Vancouver after high school, why I never went to London when my friend lived there, why I never became a singing sensation (a little known fact is that I am in fact a very good singer – the only thing I am good enough at to brag about).. oh, I made good excuses but the real raw truth was that I was terrified. And as such, I have lived my entire life in a weird sort of limbo, always played it safe, always planted my ass firmly in some kind of purgatory to protect myself from getting hurt. But guess what? I still got hurt…. life still finds you even if you are trying to avoid it. So the fact is – I am about to jump into an abyss that I have never swam in and letting this little girl have as normal of a life as possible is what’s pushing me off the cliff …. but it’s more than that – it’s the realization that this is no way to live – not when there are so many possibilities – not when there is so much potential.
So – I am implore you – the next time you are letting fear hold you back think of me – diving… no dipping my toe… no plummeting…. NO DIVING INTO THE GREAT UNKNOWN!!!